The Mantle of Depression (+1)
Happy Bank Holiday Monday for those of y’all on my island. To everyone else… um… hooray, Monday? Or something.
The anxiety is slowly receding, though I can still feel it occasionally jagging. But on the whole, it is less than it was a few weeks ago. On the other hand, I can feel the depression settling in (as I said it would). I can taste it on my tongue, I can feel it on my shoulders. It wearies me, the mass of it weighing down my heart. I’m emphatically not sad — one does not have to be sad to be depressed, or vice versa. No, I’m lethargically, weary, wary — I don’t know what’s going to sneak up on me, but I can take… comfort? Comfort that something will eventually. If it is somehow comforting for bad things to happen to a person, which it’s really not.
I choose to take some hope from this. While I’m certainly not okay, I can potentially get through this week. If the anxiety has receded enough, I should be able to handle social without too many problems (though I’m relieved that the chain of events this week ends with me at the psychiatrist). The thought of driving doesn’t leave me in quite as blind a panic as before, for example, and knowing that I’ll be having the visitors on my own turf is the best thing that can happen, considering.
Still, I’m not sure it means I’m okay enough to really deal with things. I’d like to go to work tomorrow, especially if we’re going to the office. It would enable me to go pick up some fat quarters to line purses with at the Singer shop in town. But my eyes widen and my heart flutters at the thought of entering Mundania, so I’m not really sure that it’s worth the risk. I’ll have to think on it tomorrow, and keeping taking the days as they come.
And, at the very least, I can take comfort in the fact that I’ve managed to do a wee bit of crafting. I’ve got to finish making the strap and attach the buttons on the side for it, but I think that this will be something that my kiddo will appreciate having for playing with… eventually. She’s not so good at buttons yet, but it’s not like that’ll be the case for much longer. I’m not sure what I’m going to make next, but I think I will make something — if I can keep crafting, it certainly helps keep the mind empty of negative and/or intrusive thoughts. Plus, yanno, you end up having awesome things that you made with your own two hands around the house, and that’s always a nice thing.
Hope everyone out there is doing well.
I like where you said “one does not have to be sad to be depressed, or vice versa” I can really relate to that. Good stuff!
It’s almost a mantra for me! Especially because I am generally a pleasant cheerful person, and that means that I often have people presume I’m much better than I am. My psychiatrists are pretty understanding though, and appreciate that it makes it easier for them to deal with helping me.
I hear you on the not being sad when depressed. If anything I’m numb. Apathetic. Nothing matters or will ever matter and what the hell is hope anyway. It’s bleak more than anything.
Try to be easy on yourself. Hang in there. I’m rooting for you.
Definitely gonna have to remind myself to be easy, and I thank you for doing the same. I can’t bail out of two of the things this week alas, but at least the other two are optional.