(In the) Rain
(Cowboy Bebop OST – Rain (lyrics))
Whelp, if you weren’t depressed before, you probably are after listening to that song. Sorry about that, sort of. It popped into my head and I felt it was apt to my mood and state of being. Okay, maybe I’m not outwardly doom and gloom, but everything under the surface is rather drowned. And that statement feels too dramatic on the whole, so once again, there’s a disconnect on trying to explain feelings into words. It’s not something I feel exceptionally talented in either, considering I only figured out how to say even the simplest ‘Good’ or ‘Bad’ until I was into my 20s. The roots of that stunting lie in ye olde parental blame, so we’ll just move right along for now.
For the most part, I’m just sitting here trying to keep my mind empty, except for one little mantra. As a friend on Google+ reminded me last night — to take small steps, and all the mindfulness that comes with trying to balance self-care against the annoyance of still being all sorts of housebound. The level of frustration is high enough that part of me very much wishes to dive into le booze and ignore all the self-preservation… but those are fleeting thoughts that are fairly easily quashed.
So then, that is to say — I feel horrible. I probably wouldn’t come across as such if you were sitting here talking to me; my sense of humor is mainly intact, and I’m currently engaged in activities of a hobby-based nature. But again, outward appearances lied — I’m cored, body and mind. Everything is sluggish and non-functional — I have no idea how I managing to make words sort of form sentences here. Poor me, etc. *poses dramatically*
So yeah… no idea if I’m actually going to manage to make anything happen besides a drool pile on my desk, and a few stitches in my current knit square. Small steps and whatnot — if I can see a small productive step to make, then perhaps I’ll give it a go. At least, for what it’s worth, I’ve managed at least this today, so that’s worth micro-celebrating.
I hope everyone is having a better braining day than me!
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