A Month, A Lie
There’s no denying it — I’m ‘enjoying’ a depressive episode, and have been for a few weeks now. I’m thinking it’s been about two, and today? I’m trying to tell myself that it’ll only last a month and that I’m halfway through it, go me, etc.
Aah rationalizing, what would we do without it?
I know that this will pass when it passes, but I’m frustrated (to say the least). I also suspect that it’s a bit to the mixed episode side of life in spots, which… thanks brain, you’re a real douche? Take yesterday — I was having a badass, child-free vacation/staycation day (we can’t take our July holiday due to newborn, so we opted to squeeze in a weekend now). My hair is the ‘right’ colour again, I managed to epilate my armpits (mmm, painful xD), and all in all was just enjoying the crap out of myself. And then a friend asked an innocuous question and it was somehow incredibly triggering because it ‘forced’ me to admit to my number one insecurity. Hell, I’ll say it here, ’cause the damage is already done — I’m incredibly insecure about my intellect. I know that I’m smart, and that I’m smarter than some while being less smart than others. I’m fine with all of this. But it all ties into a lot of crap about my upbringing and how people treated me, and well. I don’t want to get into that right now, ha ha.
I ended up taking a 25mg Seroquel last night to shut up my brain, and get a good night of sleep. Part of my brain wants to punish me for that, but the rest of it is too relieved to put up with it. I don’t think anyone is going to deny me my home birth plans for 25mg of Seroquel once when I am not coping as well as I hoped to be. Having said that, I don’t know either. I don’t think I can make clear enough how completely unlikely it is for me to be able to have a healthy, non-surgical birth in a hospital environment. I accept I’ll have to be holed up there if/when the hysterectomy happens, but as the plan is to be there FOR surgery, and not for pushing a kid out, it doesn’t matter if I have a comatose nervous breakdown. I rate my chances of having one at about 100%, ’cause I know me and I know there’s way too much stimulus in that setting. But anyways, I should move on from that before my brain tries to catastrophize.
Still, when feeling down and hell, I can freakin’ taste my brain pumping out the bad chemicals, it’s good to take stock of things. This pregnancy is significantly harder on me physically than the last one. Physical pain aside, my chronic fatigue hasn’t been this severe since before I fell pregnant with Leah five years ago. I suspect that the endometriosis is actually being worsened by this pregnancy somehow, though I’ve not found anything ‘properly’ medical to justify this theory, just the experiences of other women who have said the same thing (which might be the best I find; endometriosis is woefully lacking in understanding). While I could probably keep my mood afloat if I wasn’t so fatigued, I could probably hold it together better. If I didn’t have bipolar, I could probably fly to the moon on ass rockets. *coughs* Which is to say I realize that playing ‘If I wasn’t’ is a horrible game with no winning, so I try not to. I just want to not be in such freaking intense mental and physical pain.
On the up shot, I’m a lot better at understanding some of the mood crap… yay? I’ve been making efforts as well to cut toxic people out of my life so that I’m not blowing resources I need to keep myself sane justifying my existence to people intent on denying my right to be. And in doing that, I’ve managed to make a lot of little breakthroughs in understanding ways that my brain is broken, which is flat-out awesome. Well, except for realizing that like, everything in the entirety of existence is triggering and I don’t know how to fix that, but. BUT. Understanding why is awesome, and gives me hope that I can fix those bits of brain wiring into something less ridiculous. Mind, now isn’t exactly the ideal time to be dealing with this level of brain-pickery, but life doesn’t exactly operate with convenience in mind, ha ha.
Anyways, this too shall pass. I know it, because that is the way of things. It might not go as fast as I want it to, but I can do my best every day to not let it bury me. 🙂
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