Delight and Terror
Whelp my dears, my parents’ attack against me has begun as of the other night. Which is to say, they finally took note of my last post; how wicked of me to politely and kindly suggest that I had been mistreated! What a malicious person I obviously am for having feelings of my own! A friend reminded me that I could set up an IP block, so I did — they’ll get a white page now. Maybe they’ll just try from another IP address, but ah well. I long ago accepted that no matter what I do, as long as they disagree with it, it’s ‘wrong’. So it goes, so it goes. All I know is that I will not be bullied out of my spaces. I will not be silenced and forced to comply. It’s new ground and it is terrifying, but I have a wonderful support network reminding me that I’m doing the right thing for me and my family.
I have to say though, this post-week has been mainly satisfying. I’ve not felt that great physically, but my sleep has been fairly decent, and my brain is just… well. Skittering, but making connections and processing and figuring stuff out, which is my constant delight. I’ve been able to tune into my family a bit better, which is awesome. I’ve got a great family here, and being more functional within the unit is really, all I could ever want. I can see places now where I was just completely shutting down to avoid risking repeating problematic behaviors, and in general, just… carrying the weight of my pre-recent life was destroying what limited functionality I could muster. Which isn’t to say I wasn’t doing anything, just that I couldn’t do as much as I wanted. I still can’t do as much as I want, but heck, even little things like managing to stay on top of the dishes and leave the house once in awhile are awesome. Yeah, I’m pretty good at masking my lack of functionality, ha ha.
Really though, I’m starting to feel a measure of resilience I’ve never felt before in my life. Yes, I felt more stable than normal last pregnancy, and less stable than medicated this time around, but I can’t think of a time I’ve actually felt resilient. I guess that’s what happens when one firms up the boundaries of their world? Oh sure, I know my brain will find its ways to shiv me, ’cause that’s what a bipolar brain does, but. Maybe it means my future lows will be less severe? I certainly fully intend to get back on my meds the second this kiddo is born — I pretty much completely lost the ability to hold it together whatsoever after Lilbit was born. While I have learned so much since then, and healed a lot of my wounds, I’m aware that my chances of postpartum psychosis and depression are higher than average. Heck, it’s what finally pushed me into seeking diagnosis! Not that I hit psychosis last time, but my depression went from crippling to unreal. I certainly don’t want to see that again.
So tl;dr – things are good, and I have chocolate chip cookies ’cause Lilbit insisted we make a batch so she could eat the dough. Good kid, ha ha.
Stay strong baby. Parents are a pain in the ass
So happy for you.
I have to be patience with myself and remember that this is going to take time. From what I can tell, I’ve already managed to do a lot of good work, but… always more to do. I have high hopes for the mental health repercussions though.