The last couple of days, I have had this incredibly pervasive ‘memory’. My brain seems to insist that I was once married when I was in the Air Force. This absolutely never happened; I was never even engaged to anyone until my current (and only) spouse of seven years. But the feeling that this happened is so demanding and insistent that even with no supporting memories, my brain is on the verge of giving up and deciding that it is headcanon. Even with my tendency to have very vivid dreams, I don’t remember dreaming this ‘fact’, I have never had something like this happen before.
Suffices to say, it’s a bit on the disturbing side.
Having bipolar disorder, I know that I am at higher risk than average for postpartum psychosis. And while I don’t know if one weird little brain nag combined with my slightly higher than average level of paranoia means that I’m actual psychotic, but I’m certainly wary (which feeds the paranoia, naturally!). I’ve discussed it with my husband, and have had him keep me in the loop about his opinion of my behaviors and mood (which gets a clean enough bill of health). So really, I’m not inclined to dash down to the A&E and risk getting committed over a niggle, ESPECIALLY since I think being confined would instantly make me a million times worse. I have a rather large personal bubble, and pretty much lose all ability to function and not cry if I’m restricted in my freedom of movement.
So what I’ve done for now is taken an extra 25mg of Seroquel, which is an ultra-titchy dose, but it tends to kick the brain taco very quickly. And it seems to have helped me put The Marriage That Wasn’t out of my head pretty firmly. If my brain continues spouting stuff like that, I’ll call my doctor and get her to up my dose officially. If that doesn’t help, then I’ll suck it up and go to A&E, or call the Crisis team. But considering that I mainly feel stable, cheerful, and functional, I’d definitely rather wait and see.
What do you guys think? I’m fairly confident that between myself, my husband, and my mother-in-law that we’re all satisfied that I’m doing alright currently. But as being psychotic/having psychosis is outside my realm of experience to date, I’d certainly not turn down some opinions/shared experiences.