I received a call yesterday to let me know that the doctor was ill and that I needed to reschedule. So now I’m in to see her next week. I’m less annoyed by this than I thought I would be… and less relieved, too. I tend to work myself up to the point of vomiting when it comes to physical health appointments, though that’s improved somewhat lately!

Also, of course, there’s the prepwork involved. I’m only just learning how to be a patient since moving to the UK; I grew up with pretty much no healthcare whatsoever, and there’s only so much you can confess to in the military without fear of med boarding. But I’ve learned from my mental health stuff that it does benefit me to have extensive notes and thoughts and my theories on why X is Y. Which is to say, it’s gone over well with my mental health stuff, so hopefully it’ll apply to my physical stuff as well.

There was also the epiphany I had this morning on me and getting my physical health looked at. You see, somewhere I absorbed that I was healthy (I wasn’t), that I emphatically was not permitted to ask for anything, and that I was supposed to be massively grateful for whatever crumbs washed up my way. And I commented to my husband, and he concurred — this is why I go in for physical health things and then self-sabotage. I go in and then demur, and it’s like… why self, why. I’m going in because I really want help, so. I grew up being told my health was fine, that I was healthy, that any time I tried to ask for help with illness, I’d have an n-parent deciding they had to one up me to shut me up (which meant no help). Lulz narcissists? Yarp.

But anyways, this realisation is a good one, because it means that I am probably going to do a lot better job self-advocating for care. I wrote a nice, concise letter yesterday to give to the doctor today (now next week) that outlines the greater picture, as well as the three specific things I am looking to be referred to in the appointment. I’m still not completely sure I’ve got the how to be a patient thing down (and there seems to be a dearth of guidance online), but at least I’m feeling a teense more optimistic? We’ll see how it goes next week.

As for brain stuff… eh, it goes. I’ve been having a harder time getting to sleep again in spite of the Seroquel, which is annoying. Like, it shouldn’t take me two hours of reading to nod off. And I know, some people are itchin’ to say you shouldn’t read in bed because some stupid magazine said X or Y, but I’ve been using it to fight insomnia since I was 5, so I know it’s what works for me. ;D And because I can’t read long stretches of text off of screens, I read from books, so none of that light/screen issue that seems to come up even more than ‘wah, don’t read in bed’. I’m hoping it’s just a random rough patch and it’ll smooth out, but we’ll see. No idea when I next see the psychologist, but if I had to guess, it’ll probably be March. I don’t foresee any issues between now and then, but y’all know the deal — bipolar requires eternal vigilance.

Hope everyone is doing well out there.

<3