Brains are Stupid. Triggers are Stupid.
Man so, my brain was being especially stupid yesterday.
One of my dearest friends is very active on Tumblr. His account is the only one of more than 1-10 posts a day I follow… not on Tumblr itself because it would give me a nervous breakdown because he’s post-heavy, but via a reader. Like, I have friends who call their Tumblr a blog but I refuse to follow it because I’m sorry, a blog is words, not a million flashing gifs with a couple of words spattered across it. Just like, the entire structure of the site is stupid and makes me grumpy, which is why I barely use it.
Anyways, because this world of 7 billion+ people is disturbingly small, a person I knew on G+ followed him on Tumblr. The person on G+ never friended me back in spite of the fact I (felt that I) made it clear we had a mutual in someone who was part of me, and I ended up using too much spoons attempting to socialise with that imbalance. If I’m honest, it’s one of the reasons I quit using G+ on the regular — it was too spoon-nabbing to have my limited energy being poured down that drain.
To my bemusement, I’m apparently bitter about it some time later. Like, seeing pictures of the person triggers me bitter/stressed/anxious/etc. I had to ask my friend to quit reposting this person’s pictures because it was triggering me.k And the logical part of me is jumping up and down screaming what the hell brain, what the hell. I don’t know about y’all, but I’m logical enough that I spend an inordinate amount of time doing that. It’s also a part of why I just sort of grumble about people who think that CBT is a magic cure-all — I have applied the principles for years, but broken brains will do what broken brains will even if you emphatically know better.
This all went down last night, and left me feeling like the most selfish asshole in the entire world. I know it’s stupid. I should not have to ask a friend to stop doing something that is absolutely harmless and sweet because my brain is being stupid about it. But even after a few days of trying to ‘tough’ it out, I found myself getting more and more upset (which is a self-perpetuating cycle: see above ‘what the hell brain’). So I was bemused to wake up from a dream this morning wherein the person who ‘offended’ me and I had run into each other at a drive-in movie and chatted it out. I’d love for my brain to quit being stupid about it because I know this lady is a total sweetheart, and I am totally happy that she’s friends with my friend. How could I not celebrate a friend’s friendships, you know?
So yeah, sort of hoping my subconscious trying to suss it out last night means the conscious can handle it and celebrate their adorably sweet relationship… but we’ll see. For the moment, I’m going to be quietly headdesking because what else can I do with my brain being this level of Teh Dumb.
Hope everyone else out there is doing well, and that your assorted brains aren’t being tricksy assholes right now.
*zombie walk* BRAAAAAAINSSSS!
Pretty much. Also, maybe I should go get more caffeine.
I would do the SAME EXACT thing as you, dear Raeyn (i.e. have my brain be stupid) about this crappity crap with your friend & the one who didn’t friend you! I’m so sorry you’ve had to waste your precious brain energy on this stuff.
I hope you don’t mind the following ludicrous vent. I had a weird thing happen 2 days ago.
Someone I’ll refer to as “D.” who I’ve never met in the flesh (and who I’ve had NO virtual interaction with whatsoever) and I share a mutual virtual friend named “N”.
On Friday N. tweeted the link to a profile that she published about me on her blog.
D. rewteeted it. I opened Twitter to thank D. for her rewteet and I found that she had blocked me.
WTF???????? my brain flipped. What the hell did I do to her????
And why on Earth would she retweet something about me if she blocked me!
I asked N. to intervene & find out what I had done to offend this stranger enough to block me on Twitter because this shit drives me f*cking crazy.
N. wrote me later on that D. said “she wasn’t sure why she blocked me…” Ummm. Okay.
More WTF???????????? ensued in my weary, stressed-out brain.
D. unblocked me, apparently but my heart is closed to D. from this point on. Her loss!
I wish my brain could block all of it! It’s such a a complete and utter waste of my synapses or whatever is in my cranium that dwells on these junior high school-esque dilemmas….it’s enough to drive me SO insane that I might start up CBT and mindfulness….simultaneously! 😉
Just joshing!!!! NEVER!
Brains, eh? Can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em!
I just realized with my luck both N. (who is wonderful & kind – she truly is!) and D. could read my 1st comment, but you know what? I was upset by what happened, and I don’t mean to slander anyone here. I think what I wrote is reasonable, don’t you?
Most all feelings are reasonable in my book, even if they’re unreasonable and illogical. After all, brains work differently and are gonna feel differently and it’s not like you were finding a reason ti dislike someone out of the blue. Just like I don’t dislike the friend-of-a-friend, but I’m not sure we could ever have a relationship at this point ’cause my brain is positive it can’t happen for reasons (even if it doesn’t know the reasons).
You’re a voice of reason in this blogosphere! Thanks so much for reading my novella and for responding in kind. If the person I mentioned took 10 seconds to tweet to me & write, ‘Hey, sorry about that” my heart would open, I’d be very supportive of her from that moment on, yadda yadda yadda. But she didn’t. I would have. And while I loathe sooo many things about who I am, I like that I would reach out – I like that quality about myself – at least my brain knows I have a heart! 😉 (well, sometimes!) Xo