Ever have those days where you wake up, and you’re already done with the day? Yeah, that’s me most every day because of chronic fatigue. Today was that to a higher degree, with my only goals being getting laundry washed, and washing my hair. The former was going to be… I won’t say easy, but I knew that I could make it happen. The latter? I woke up too fatigued to even think about bathing. The mere idea of it was too exhausting. But I figured that as long as the baby cooperated in going down for a nap in a timely fashion, then I could probably work myself around to it.
Care to guess who didn’t want to nap today? Yeaaaah.
I pulled out all the stops too — plenty of food and fluids, play and cuddles. She didn’t want to be put down, but she didn’t want to go to sleep either. She recently likes to shove hard and claw at moles and freckles on my torso and grab my neck and other bits, which um… no. Fuck no. Anxiety through the roof no. Put you down before I scream no. Except she didn’t want that. Fuck? Yeah. Oh yeah, and when she was being happy to stay put laying against me, she kept pushing against my arms instead of staying centered, and that hurts. It’s like having a heavy-ass bowling ball resting all its weight on a scrawny ass arm, which… well. See the before cycle of putting down and pissy baby.
Suffices to say, my panxiety hit the point of wanting to scream and break things. I know that such won’t help so I fight myself to not doing it, but man. All the tiny things were doing their best to contribute to the spiking panxiety too, like noticing everyone elses’ mess encroaching on my area, to being pissed off that I didn’t manage to finish my daily writing until 1:30pm (a task I usually knock out before noon even on weekends), to the fact my hair was dirty and I think most people agree that having that dwelling on your brain (literally *rimshot*) makes for some dark and unhappy thoughts.
So of course, she falls asleep just as my husband gets back from work. Sod’s Law, right? I growled at him a bit more about messy stuff and he obligingly took a stack of things to sort through. Bless him, he’s a doll. I made sure to give him a bit of affection once I managed to drag myself through the bath. And then he took her with to pick up her big sister from school, meaning I got the precious few minutes of alone time that I direly needed to finish my recovery from the panxiety of the morning. Now everyone is home and having a good time together, so all’s well that ends well.
I will say on the subject of anxiety that I am thinking I will have to talk to my psych when I see her at the end of the month. I think it has continued to be severe enough that I need to get on something for it. I know that antidepressants are the usual approach, but the one I’m on doesn’t seem to touch it. It does a great job of keeping the depression mainly at bay, so I’m not keen to change it. I also don’t want to have to go through the hell of adjusting to a different antidepressant — adjusting to this one twice has been rough enough. In some ways, I’m better able to handle it now; in the past, when I’d hit this level, things would be broken, tears would flow, and it would be a crapshoot as to whether or not my brain was telling me I should off myself. That I could speak mainly politely and not shout or break anything or anyone… it’s really good, and the coming down is a lot faster than it used to be. But it could be better. I don’t think that I’m greedy for wanting better. An actual quality of life would be faboo.
Anyways, hope everyone is well… and also chuckling with amusement at how all of us show up more frequently when we have something to complain about. xD
I have yet to find any anti depressant that helps with anxiety (even the social anxiety specific Paxil) so I have to have a secondary med for it. It’s not optimal as the less pills I have to take the better, but it does help immensely.
I wonder if I could even get like, a scrip for klonopin and just take them once in awhile when it’s really bad. I will have to do some reading and see if I can make a case for myself. Yanno, once I find those mythical spoons/sporks that are eluding me.
Dude, I envy your sporks. You’ve got two little ones to chase and you still managed to bathe! I’ve only got one kid and I still haven’t worked up to bathing in two,three? days. Kudos to you.
Well, it had been probably a week. Maybe longer since I washed my hair. As much as not sweating sucks for like, not feeling overheated and miserable, it sure helps to stretch between bathtimes. We don’t have a shower or the water pressure for one, and baths are like… super-exhausting? We have a bubble bath that my brain seems to convince itself will prevent me from passing out and drowning in the tub, so I’m grateful for it.
I can’t tell you how much I admire you. Dealing with CFS, BP, and a baby? Not to mention the rest of your family! In Hebrew, “kol ha’kavod” which roughly translates to “all honors are due you.” I barely made it through one baby by the skin of my teeth. I know, I know, I’m a pediatrician and I LOVE babies, but it’s a different thing. You get to give them back to their mamas and say “see you next time,” or at least until they call you at 3 am to inform you that the little one has a fever of 103. But feeling lousy yourself, with your own little one banging on the door of your consciousness to try to get in, when all you feel like doing is falling down in the bed….THAT’S the biggest challenge there is, IMO. Sounds like you’re doing a great job! Hope your little one gets past the grabbing and poking stage soon….My mentor, Ina May Gaskin, always told me that when they start that, to say “NO, that hurts Mommy,” and if they start up again, put them gently in their crib, close the door, and walk away. That way they learn that hurting people is not the proper way to get attention. As Ina May says, “They have to learn that you catch more bees with honey than with vinegar.”
What kind of writing are you doing?
I tell her no and put her down if she insists, so definitely on that page! 🙂
Every morning, I write a Livejournal entry, and a 750words.com entry. The former is general babble about life, and the latter is more poking my brain with a Q-Tip and seeing what comes out a la diary. I’ll hit six years of daily journalling on the former in September, and 829 day streak on the latter. Really, it’s about making myself write and get things out of my head on the daily. Then anything health-ish ends up here, a bit of vanity on Tumblr, hobby stuff on Digitalglitch, and snark will be loaded up on Raeyn.com, etc. Lots of outlets, but that’s what suits my brain.
Wonderful!!! I just started free-associating-writing on Journey, an app I got from Playstore. Instead of the highly structured story line, I’m letting myself just go goal-less. I like your Q-tip analogy. Great that you are so disciplined about it, especially with everything else going on!
Aw, thank you. 🙂 It took a really long time to get to this point, but I think it benefits me greatly. Hope your own app journalling is enjoyable and fruitful!
I second everything that Laura says. Hats off, Raeyn!
Wishing you the best. Both my son & I have been struggling with fatigue, too.