I’m fratigued, and I’ve got a checklist.

The Mirena insertion went well. Like, really well, less noticeable than a smear test sort of well. So that’s good. It’s going to be a bit before I get over my terror that it’s going to randomly fall out, but oh well. I’m feeling slightly brighter now that it’s done? Relief, or slight lift of depression — I have no idea. I’m trying to not get too optimistic in case it doesn’t end up working out, but like… this is the best thing I can do for my health as far as my research goes, and I guess a part of me is just hanging on the cliff edge in the hope that something can lift the chronic fatigue. My quality of life is so freaking low with that factored in, and while I do make the most of my limited circumstances, I am occasionally bitter by how limited I am. I try not to be because I know that’s one helluva dose of self-poisoning, but. It’s also human too. I think that we’re all occasionally bitter about something. I guess it’s still hard for me to accept the validity of my negative emotions. I won’t beat myself up about that though; I have a lifetime of conditioning to break before I can fully embrace them.

But that’s the thing — that list continues to sit there, static. I can’t remember the last time I checked my blog email. Kids are getting fed one by one in shifts for lunch, because I cannot fathom trying to do it at the same time right now. And like… I’m so tired that I can’t really even care about it? Fatigued, that is. I get proper sleep and it helps my mood, though that’s been blighted with insomnia the past week or so. Hormonal, probably. Ditto for the headaches that seem to be lingering about. So yeah, I’m trying really hard to not pin my hopes on the Mirena coil magically reversing years of my body being destroyed from inside, but like… it would be nice if something would shift. :/

I see my psych next week, and I really need to lean on her about ADHD. It makes me increasingly irate that this country continues to operate on the flawed presumption that ADHD goes away in adulthood. That is based on the hyperactive male model; women’s ADHD tends to get increasingly worse into and through adulthood. I’ve always had it bad, but I’m starting to get seriously derpy. I’ve started a list to show her, and well. Like, I know it’s not her fault that the NHS operates on this model, and it definitely makes me cross that they aren’t down with giving meds for it to adults — one of my dear friends was diagnosed as a kid in the States, and the NHS won’t give her meds for it (!!!). I’ve tried to get into the system for diagnosis before but got rebuffed, so I don’t have a lot of faith that I’ll have any luck this time. But I have to try, and at least I can point out that it’s starting to have a ‘significant’ detriment on my life.

Heh, that took two days to write. Spoons whut?

Hope everyone is well.

<3