I have now officially survived my first summer break as the mother of two children… both of whom have been doing their darnedest the last couple of weeks to get on my last nerve. I can’t say going down to one during the day is going to make my life any easier, as that one is teething and clingy now that she’s realised she is her own person. Sigh? Sigh.

Still, I relish the bond I have developed with my youngest at this early stage. I didn’t have that with my eldest because oh hey, untreated/undiagnosed bipolar. Smallhausen (as my eldest likes to be called) was, to me, just a screaming crying pain in the ass lump that I felt absolutely no bond to. I couldn’t understand anything she was trying to communicate, and I certainly did not consider her snuggly. As I hold Litterlit bit close to me and feel the warmth of that bond at this early age, I am grateful to my eldest for helping me realise I needed that help, and that something was terribly wrong and had been for a long time. I’ve a wonderful bond with Smallhausen now, so it all worked out (and double hooray for actually enjoying the baby phase at least once).

I’ll be honest though — I’m not sure how I’ve survived the last two weeks. One of them required me to enforce a week-long punishment on Smallhausen for reprehensible behavior (tl;dr kids fight but damn don’t pick on the baby), and as said, Clingybabyitis. I’m better able to empathise and be mindful of what they need of me as their parent so I can give it to them than I used to be, but it doesn’t change the fact that I have bipolar and don’t have a lot to give at the best of times.  I’m not sure what sort of times these are counting as, if I’m honest. I’m still up or down enough that I have a slight whiff of insomnia about me. I’m starting to feel bored and annoyed by pursuits that I normally enjoy. I honestly have no idea if the Depakote is doing anything… maybe? It doesn’t seem to be doing anything negative, like making me nauseous or bald (knock on wood). But also, am I messing up taking it by putting it in my pillbox rather than leaving it in the blister pack? I have no idea, though one thing on Google suggests that I am messing it up — sigh again!

Ah well, at least I am now entering a tiny window where nobody needs me for anything, so I am going to celebrate by zoning out and drooling on my desk. Hope everyone out there is doing well.

<3