I’m not sure I can blame the increased dose of Depakote, but my fatigue levels are pretty bad right now. There’s probably some cyclical contributing factors as well, but man. I don’t want to move. I just sort of want to blob. Which doesn’t mean that sleep is as easy as I’d like, and definitely have had some weird even for me dreams crop up. Meh. *shrugs and yawns* I’m just glad that I was caught up on Bipolar Blogger Network things for the most part, though I feel a bit… sad? meh? well, some degree of minorly negative feeling that I’ve not been rocking the extended social media stuff for that as much lately. It’ll swing back. Hopefully.
Honestly though, I’m not quite sure where my mood is. I’ve been feeling irritations that I class as both related to depression, and related to hypomania. An example of the former is my need to constantly have some sort of game up, preferably a slow real time strategy that I can poke at in passing while doing other things. It’s a white noise of sort and provides me comfort and distraction. Usually, I’ll find one and stick to it for a couple of weeks or months in a half-assed fashion, and it serves that purpose well. I’m a bit all over the place with that right now, and well. I know the moment I start recognising the comfort of a rut, it’s in that moment I usually recognise that I’m in a depressed state or about to hit one hard. I’m not exactly rut-happy? I’m just… I don’t know.
As for the other irritation, it’s the irritation borne of the thin skin thinning further, the acidic blood burning and bubbling more harshly beneath. Of course, it’s not like it’s conveniently visible so people like my darling kiddos can see that they’re on the last flayed synapse of my last sputtering nerve. I’m mainly holding it together, which I’m proud of myself for, but that doesn’t make it any easier (especially in dealing with the smaller one, who *really* doesn’t get that I need a bit of space yet, bless her).
Still, whether or not the Depakote is to blame/to thank/whatever, the former is more prevalent than the latter. And I’d be lying if I said that didn’t worry me. I always forget just how severe my depressive episodes are until I am deep within them, rolling around in naked nerves and the poetry formed of filthy fridge magnets scattered across the bottom of the pit. Hah, and here I am putting in all sorts of purdy turns of phrase here — it’s a sign! Maybe. Hopefully not. No, just being silly and amusing myself, doot doot doot moving on MOVING ON. *cough*
Where was I going with that? No idea, honestly.
But yeah, if I am honest with myself, I am feeling a bit rutty, and I don’t know what to do. Even if the rut includes good things, like going out on a weekend with the family to go geocaching, even if it includes things I love like gaming and crafting, it’s all just sort of palled slightly. And yet, not — I feel the joy of it brighter than I ever did in the pre-diagnosis past. Mixed episode? Could be. It’s just so hard to say when it feels neither and both, and neither nor both. Heh, maybe this is what euthymia feels like? I’m not convinced, but what would I know. It’s been a long time since I experienced it on the regular, so.
Eh. I guess I’ll just have to keep dragging through the days and see where they lead. Eh, I know, not my usual little glimmer of cheer. It’s still there, but it’s buried under a heavy dollop of pragmatism. Pragmatism’ll take me further right now, I think. *nodnods* Still hoping things are going okay for all of y’all out there though!