For Every High, There is a Low
And so on from that song that was in The Sword in the Stone. This line is the main one of interest.
Which is to say yeah, I’m down. I’m keeping it together, but I’m down. I almost started sobbing Sunday for absolutely no reason. I snarkily attributed it to an early case of the Mondays, because why not. Humour is my weapon against The Pit, and I will use it until I can’t any longer. My BFFFFF bat knows that if I can’t crack a joke, then I’m in incredibly dangerous territory. So yeah, weathered that.
And then Monday. Monday… I just wanted to go back to bed. I don’t do that, because I can’t risk a nap attack. Naps have always made me feel incredibly shitty, like I was tossed in a sack and bashed to bits. And of course, if for some reason I drift off and take one, it fucks up my night sleep, which is fragile and rigidly maintained as the #1 non-medicinal weapon against bipolar. So wanting to do that is a pretty good sign of wanting to check out in a massive way. Seriously, the only thing I managed was:
Step 1: Vaguely wash a spoon
Step 2: Feed toddler with it
Seriously. That was the extent of it. I was well proud of myself for it. I think I might’ve managed some dishes later, but I felt so physically worn out and sore that movement was beyond me.
And today? Well. I got work done. I did dishes. I’ve bathed so that I can be normal passing for an outing tomorrow. Having that outing to look forward to helped me get through today, though I half-suspect that tomorrow it’s going to make me anxious and wanting to hide. I don’t know. It’s going to be a nice meal out with friends and my husband, which is something we don’t get a lot of since having the second kiddo. I don’t know. Even thinking about it is exhausting.
I guess I’m annoyed. Does this mean the meds don’t work anymore? Does it mean they won’t work at a higher dose? Does it mean I need to go through the pain in the ass of changing them? I don’t really know. It’s not as bad as when I was off of meds, but like… *waves hands* It’s still bad? It’s not ‘supposed’ to be happening anymore sort of thing. But is it bad enough to warrant calling Dr. K? She’s adamant that I should contact her without hesitation if I think I need help, but what if this is just a momentary dip into the Fetid Pool o’ Depression? I know it’s legit ’cause I can taste the chemical sad as I have times in the past, even if it’s just the faintest taste swirling around the edges of my tongue.
Eh. What can you do. I guess I’m going to try to see if I can focus on my knitting a bit, though my focus continues to escape me. I guess I blew the clandestine-to-me daily allotment in getting work done earlier or something. So it sometimes goes.
Hope y’all are doing well.
<3
ADD/ADHD are prominent secondary diagnoses with bipolar so do NOT beat yourself up about lack of focus. Since I found a doc (after 7 years) willing to prescribe Focalin for my focus issues, I have been much less of a flake. It’s legit no matter what the party line says.
*nods* My psych is taking her time getting my case polished and spit shined because people higher up the chain keep kicking it back. She’s sort of mad about it, and I am too. I think we’re to a point where if that happens again, she’s not adverse to prescribing me meds to help, but we would both rather have the NHS as a whole agreeing with us. And it’s not just me — one of my best friends was diagnosed as a kid in the States, but her local NHS psychs refuse to treat her and insist it was a false diagnosis (!!!). So she is considering going private and paying out of pocket to get the diagnoses rediagnosed because she is busting her ass on a degree right now and it is literally killing her.
I’ve been sick with an extra-nasty cold – so sick that when I first saw this post on twitter /my Reader, I thought it was a comic strip only – no words!!!! Sorry not to share it immediately! I hope you had (have?) a great time out for dinner!!!!! And that you’re feeling better by the time you read this. As for me, I’m still yuck, so I’m going to go lay down but *not* nap as naps also make me feel rotten for the most part. I’ll read and snuggle with my dog Lucy! Take care & let us know how you dinner goes if you can!
Hope you start feeling better asap. 🙂 I’m feeling mainly okay right now, so hopefully tonight well go well. Will try to remember to blog about it in the next couple of days.
Thanks! Inquiring minds (who never go out to dinner anymore) want to live through you!
My ‘new’ hometown here in the UK (instead of Dallas, TX where I originally come from) has a surplus of restaurants. It also has one of the highest Italian populations in the world outside of Italy. So when I tell you it was an Italian restaurant packed full to the brim, you can probably surmise that the food was good. And it was. We would definitely eat there again, especially since the two courses for £10.95 deal (which is what we got) was a freaking amazing value.
Sorry to hear about the dip. It sucks. It’s our illness. I know you will get better, but in the meantime, hang in there and be good to yourself. 😀
<3<3<3