That’s… Probably Not Good
So after feeling so rubbish and depressed at the weekend, I’ve had a really good week? I’ve been really productive in doing work things, though admittedly my daily focus hasn’t extended much past that. I like working, even if it’s just data entry — it’s zennishly fulfilling, and it pleases me to know that my work supports the rest of the office.
In the same vein, the outing Wednesday was faboo. We met up at the pub half an hour before our dinner reservation, and something about being there and away from the kids meant I was able to zone out and get a few rows on my knitting done before the meal. The meal itself was grand, and the Pasta Al Forno I picked in remembrance of bat’s baked ziti from our last meal together back home in Texas was amazing. My only complaint is that I didn’t wait for it to cool long enough, and kept having that issue where it’s not quite mouth scalding, but it’s too hot to properly process. I know, patience is a virtue. It’s hard to rock that virtue when something this gorgeous is plopped in front of you. Which is to say, my dear Dyane, it was a good outing and I am happy to report back on this. 🙂
So yeah, between those things, I was feeling… not depressed, but wasn’t sure where I was really. And then this morning, my closest local friend (who happens to be the mother of Smallhausen’s best friend) messaged and asked if they could come around to hang out. I was pleased, as I had missed her, and Smallhausen had only moments before asking if she could see J. I was so pleased, I even decided to have a bath.
That’s when I realised things miiiight not be okay. Things miiiiight going too good. You see, baths are hard. They’re easier than showers (not that we currently have a shower), but they are exhausting and take a lot of motivation to get me through one. And indeed, I came out of it shaky as shit because I didn’t actually have the physical resources to get through it. Freshly cleaned hair is divine and always makes me perk up slightly, but like… yeah. Something misfired to convince me that I should do it and that I could do it.
Isn’t it grand, the bipolar life, having to doubt every good mood? Now I’m starting to wonder if I’ve returned to rapid cycling after so long. It’s really mild compared to how it used to be, but it’s still making me Wary as Fuck. The only ‘bonus’ is the up seems to be either equal to or greater than the down at current, so it’s like… do I want to mess with this? Can I deal with random near-crying jags? I don’t really know. At this point, I think that the smartest thing I can do is to keep tabs on it and see where it goes. Maybe that’s me trying to duck doing anything, or maybe it’s just me prudently keeping an eye on things to make sure that I know enough to get the right treatment.
tl;dr bipolar is harrrrrrd. But y’all know that.
I’m going to go back to knitting, ’cause knitting is fun and it makes me happy. Hope you guys are all doing well out there.
Well..the pasta looks divine, all the more so since I’m roaring-ly gluten intolerant. The bath…I don’t know what’s so damned exhausting about bathing, but I’ve been working up to it for days and I’m GOING to do it as soon as I send this off. I am. I know the feeling of watching every variation of mood in case it might be a manifestation of the damn bipolar…it just sucks so bad…hope your day goes better…
It’s been good, thanks. 🙂 Nearly bedtime here though. I’ve got a Margaret Atwood novel awaiting me on my nightstand, which is a very good time indeed.
Ooooo, I love Margaret A! I finally read The Handmaid’s Tale not long ago. I couldn’t put it down!
She is an amazing author on the whole. The Handmaid’s Tale was one that we studied in school that, thankfully, school analysis didn’t murder. It’s also a good novel to hold in mind in the current times, especially when modern events as they are unfolding in the States. For example, there is the claim that the shooter in Oregon was targeting Christians, which sounds suspiciously like part of the framework that caused the founding of The Republic of Gilead. So if you’ve not spotted me muttering about it on Twitter before, I probably ejaculate with some frequency about how there’s not been lessons learned from that novel.
You’ve been ejaculating on Twitter? I’d better start reading your feed
I recently read The Heavenely Twins by Sarah Grand, which was written in the 1890s. The author made frequent use of ejaculate where we’d use exclaim in modern usage. It amused me to use it at least once. I had a bit of a snide-snerk going yesterday after I exploded on Facebook about the inappropriateness of rushing to call all the shooters in the States mentally ill as a knee-jerk reaction, to include stating that anyone who thought so was a shitbag. I lost a Facebook friend if the numbers tell true. I’m okay with this.
Yup, the exclamation mark used to be called the ejaculation mark, to be used after ejaculatory statements! I just get a kick out of it. Good on ye for going crazy on FB about the habit the press has developed about speculating that all evil people must categorically be mentally ill. I think we should bring back “possessed by the Devil,” and it better not end up in the DSM.
If your FB “friend” unfriended you over that, well, good riddance. I’ve had plenty of people unfriended me simply because I’m Israeli. Racist jerks who think they’re Liberals. I no longer look at FB, it’s bad for my blood pressure.
No, really, you’re right. The extremist anti-feminist movement is gaining ground in this country, seeking to put women back to a status of “vessels” for producing more extremists. The lessons from history have not been learned. Atwood is a visionary.
I have recently found a great lot of bloggers sharing about their bipolar experiences, of which you are one of them. It’s such a relief to hear terms such as “rapid cycling,” not that I wish it on anyone, but when I’m going through a bout, I wonder, “Is it just me? Am I making this shit up?” So it’s not just me. Now the scary part is telling my shrink and seeing what other med will be added to my current cocktail…sigh…Your meal sounded decadent by the way!
Hi Sandra! Yeah, it’s sooo fun dealing with the bipolar self-doubt. And then making sure the doctor understands that it’s a big deal and not a little deal. I’d only recently found out that you’re supposed to explain things as what’s the worst of what’s going on rather than the day to day. And then having to remember that you yourself are the expert on your own case. It’s a worthwhile fight though, isn’t it. 🙂
And yes, it was a lovely meal! I would definitely eat there again.
Good moods terrify me. They remind me of all the manic episodes where I burned bridges. It’s not that I can’t be happy. It’s that my bipolar brain has scarred me, thus I am scared of happiness.
Sucky as it is we feel this way…I am relieved to know it’s not just me who is wary of good moods.
I think it’s one of those things that communicates well amongst the Bipolaratti, but not so well outside of it. Something specific to our dialect, our language. It’s a bit shit, but what can you do.
Couldn’t it be that you’re just….ok? Or….functioning? How do you know the difference between that and rapid cycling? I vote for ok. Do I get a vote? <3
Hee, if I could vote for okay, I totally would join you there. But having depression at the weekend and then not during the week when I was coming off of the longest hypomania in my life… bears watching. Wish I could forgo that and just like, live!
Dang me too. Longest hypomania of your life? This dang disease….if it’s not one thing it’s another. I don’t know what I’d rather have. Depression ruining your life by life just, well, sucking, or hypomania with spending, shoplifting, sex, drugs, alcohol, spending….name your poison. I don’t know.
Yeah, hypomania for (unmedicated) me was like… a day or two tops like… a year? It was pretty shit. Things were doing fairly evenly until I decided I wanted to have another kiddo. Meds haven’t quiiiiite balanced out since then, but we weren’t willing to wait any later due to the whole getting older and more broken thing.
Also, I should add that my experience was constant rapid cycling and mixed episodes anyways. Trying to find the mood line crap that I did for a pushy psych a few years ago to show it!
*fishes around* Found it: Lifeline thingie.
I think bm (Before Meds) I was a rapid cycler myself. Or at least a cycler. I know that I would have these moods…and I would be all “in” to something…and then BAM that light switch was turned off and it was very confusing to people. Or I could be all “in” to a person, and then BAM I turned that person off, or out of my life. It’s taken a long time for me to come to trust myself not to do that. I don’t know if I fully even do… 😛