Sad, Not Depressed (A Tiny Fib)
Earlier this week, I was sad. Just sad. Sad is different from depressed. Unfortunately, it’s such a huge dose of sad that now it’s feeding depression, which is feeding sad, and let’s go spinning down down down. *sighs*
You see, there were two deaths last week in the extended not-blood family. The first was my stepfather’s best friend, who we called Uncle T. He was family to a high degree, and we all loved him. Even if I have chosen to cut my parents out of my life, it doesn’t change my feelings for Uncle T. If I’d been married in the States, he would’ve been the one doing the ceremony. But as I’d not seen him this side of 2000, it was sad, but not crushingly so. A fleeting whiff of ‘oh’, quickly masked by my ability to bring forth fond memories of him into my head. To me, someone isn’t truly dead if I can remember them, and there certainly enough memories for me to pick from that he will always be alive there.
The second death hit me a lot harder for some reason, despite the fact it was someone I had met only once. She was the wife of a dear old friend, and while Uncle T’s death was untimely, hers was even more unfairly so — she had a seizure and suffocated. I can go on Facebook and see comments she made the day before she died on mutual friend’s walls and it’s just like… ow. You were alive. So alive. And now you’re not. And I have no memories to associate with her outside of one brief meeting, and I think that’s what makes my grieving worse. Well, and it’s not my grief to grieve either, so I feel sort of selfish for feeling so upset about it. I know, stupid feeling, and it’s not like I’m putting myself out there or here looking to be cossetted. I don’t want people to be sorry for my loss — neither loss is mine exactly.
But even recognising that… shit. It still hurts physically and emotionally, and logic doesn’t want to touch it. I recognise it’ll just be a matter of time passing before I feel better, and at least my humour maintains its acerbic edge here in the house — I managed to get a wicked laugh out of my husband over the weekend that reminded me that I sooo married the best person for me. Plus, he’s good at being around without being in my bubble, which was even more appreciated over the weekend than it usually is. I kept swinging between feeling clingy and wanting people around to not wanting anyone around to not having the energy to care. I’m somewhere between the latter and the former right now — I don’t have any energy to deal with people, but I wish I had company.
Blah. This too shall pass. But you’ll forgive me for wishing I didn’t have to deal with it at all. Hope the rest of you guys out there are having an okay time of it.
My heart goes out to you my dear Raeyn for how the sadness has grown into depression. My brother-in-law Don died too young due to alcoholism on September 6th. We weren’t close, but he was close to my husband. My reaction hasn’t been depressed/sad because we weren’t close, however, anger has come up for me but that’s a whole other subject. I won’t turn my comment into a blog post!
Take extra-good care of yourself and I hope so, so, so much that the depression dissipates/tuns back into sad – melts away!! Xo
Time heals all wounds. Sort of. Kind of. Maybe I need more cake? >__>
Cake — oooooooh yum yum yum – I agree! And I can’t hep but think of John Lennon’s “I believe time wounds all heels.” What also comes to me is “Time wounds all seals” because that’s how my wacky brain rolls in this land of croaky, dangerously fast, giant elephant seals! 😉 :0
I cried for seven days straight when Princess Diana died. I’d grown up on my mother’s scandal rags and I guess I just related to all the struggles that poor woman had gone through…Plus my personal life was falling apart and the depression was kicking in for the season…
I don’t make apologies for it, even if it seems pretty bizarre. I was able to feel something that didn’t involve my own selfishness and sometimes, that’s a painful type healing we need. The day you stop feeling…That’s when you know you’re a goner.
Yeah, I’m definitely not gonna apologise — my feelings are valid as far as I’m concerned. Part of it is like… *waves hands* I’m used to dealing with depressed. I’m not used to dealing with sad. That’s about the point where myself and the husband laughed; I’m standing there trying to not cry because fucking sad, what rude shit. Hrmph.
Quite loved this sentence: “I don’t have any energy to deal with people, but I wish I had company”…that sums my life up right there.
Loved what you said about your husband. It’s amazing what the people around us can do for our emotions even when we’re depressed.
So sorry for your losses.
Thank you for your kind words. And man, he’s a rock and a balm. I’m glad he’s in my life.