Shut Up, Jerkbrain (Bored Already)
((Thanks to my friend Sarah for coining ‘jerkbrain’ this morning on Facebook))
Right now, I am joining the lovely Marisa in gritting my teeth and admitting that I am depressed. I’d been teetering on the edge for some time with occasional spikes coming out of The Pit of Nothing™®, but mainly I’d been able to hold it together. Then I had two shitty things happen in one morning, and off into The Nothing. Rude. It’s been paired up with some rather severe headaches, which serves as a distraction of sorts, but really. Really.
It’s also annoying because at the same time, I’m having a lovely time. I’m enjoying my hobbies and my family, which are the two most important things in my life. I feel legit happy, the whole warm swelling heart full of joy sort of thing. Is it hypomania? I am thinking no, not really. I don’t have any drive to do a million things or to spend irresponsibly — even having been handed a wodge of cash for my birthday and Christmas from my in-laws, I’m only halfway through it, AND I tend to cross-reference every purchase with my husband out of respect for family finances. I don’t -have- to and I am sure he trusts me to spend wisely, but by the same token, he’ll let me know when he’s waffling over buying something for himself. Irritability? Well yes, some, but that’s to be expected with a six-year-old who repeats everything 20 times, and a ninja toddler who steals everything she’s not supposed to (and then follows up getting caught by kind of hilarious hysterics).
It’s sort of weird to be depressed and mainly happy at the same time, but it’s that whole ‘chemical sad’ that I’ve mentioned in past posts. I am hoping that upping my antidepressant again will do the do, but we’ll see what Dr. K thinks when I see her next week. I’m seriously hoping that’s the route we go, as I don’t want to change medications yet. Sertraline (Zoloft) has generally worked for me. It was doing fine until I came off of it due to pregnancy, and it’s well… I don’t know. Maybe it hasn’t done as well since I’ve gotten back on it. Maybe it’s crashing and burning faster. Or maybe it’s not working as well because I put on weight thanks to the Depakote… thanks Depakote, ‘winning’ where Seroquel didn’t. *mutters*
So yeah, woo feeling on the brink of tears for no reason. It’s grand. *rolls eyes* Bored of it all already. Hopefully y’all out there are doing better than that though.
I think there’s a distinct difference between being “content”, as you are with your hobbies and family, versus being “happy”. I often find myself content with life inside my bubble but…It’s not genuine happiness.
That’s when the meds need to be upped,just to make it over that little bit of hill to truly happy. Good luck.
Funnily enough, I’ve often differentiated in the exact same fashion. Take for example, one of the things that pushed me into the pit this week. My high school sweetheart apparently blocked me on Facebook, which hurt like fuck ’cause I thought we were friends (though if that’s what he wants to do, I respect it anyways). Now, I was happy with him, but never really content. So in the finest of teenaged fashions I fucked it up royally to try and get him to understand that we could be friends instead of partners… but yeah. Happy is generally the feeling I associate with the brief up periods of hypomania with the golden warmth and what not. I’m feeling that without the rest of the warmth, but otherwise would definitely call it content and leave it be. 🙂
Isn’t that the shits when you’re constantly on the verge of tears? I don’t love that feeling. I can cry at the drop of a hat. I cried when Lady Gaga sang the National Anthem! Gah! I hope you get your medication sorted and start the journey back up, my dear. BTW is that your daughter? She is beautiful 🙂
That’s my eldest! And my youngest: https://www.instagram.com/p/BAzc6F-EMRt/ Only two I’m ever going to have, and man, I love my pair. 🙂
And yes, fingers crossed the meds get adjusted, AND that I’m seen at a better interval than *thinks* five months since my last one.
OMG those eyes!!!! You have some beautiful girls. I am crossing my fingers for you too 😀
I’m a postpartum nurse and I’ve noticed that my moms who deal with depression are on Zoloft during their pregnancy because it’s compatible with pregnancy. Usually after their pregnancy they get moved on to something a little stronger. Just thought I’d put that out there in case it could be of use to you.
Heh, no more kids for me. Husband and I know our limits! I ended up coming off both Zoloft and Seroquel because I wanted to home birth again, and there seemed to be some confusion as to whether or not they could do a suitable (to them) job of monitoring with the potential side effects of the latter. As for the former, the psych that I was seeing at the time felt that Zoloft was not a good choice for pregnancy. It makes me wonder if there’s a bit of a US/UK divide there, because everyone I talk to from the States who has a reason to know has said that doctors are fine with Zoloft in pregnancy.