Really Now
My current level of depression can only be described as such — if I could punch myself in the face repeatedly to make it go away, I would do it in a heartbeat. I am soooo not impressed with my broken-ass brain and its wonky chemicals, let me tell you. That I can sit here cracking jokes with and smiling at my kids while the main part of me wants to hide from the world and cry… ugh. I’m not a crier, I should emphasise, so this is super freaking annoying. -__-
Mind, I knew that I wasn’t likely to see any significant change in a week or two. I had hoped something would shift, but… well. Maybe by Thursday when I see Dr. K next? Probably not. I wonder what she’s going to want to do. Add a second antidepressant? Up the Zoloft? Switch one for another? She understands well that this isn’t safe territory for me (even if I somehow survived with it for years and years), so hopefully she’ll be able to sit with me with properly close together appointments to try and get this shit sorted out. Hopefully.
For now, the days drag molasses slow, as days washed in depression do so well. Even though I’m still finding joy in doing my things and all that, it’s definitely a bit washed out by it. Rude. But I’m stubborn; I’ll keep dragging through until things are back in order. I just wish that it was sooner rather than later. ¬¬
Hope all of y’all out there are doing a fair sight better!
<3
Are you bipolar? Is this, or could it be, bipolar depression? If so, the Zoloft will make it WORSE.
I swear you sound just like me before the Bipolae II diagnosis, when my (inept) shrink was pounding the antidepressants of every kind and trying to wake me up with Provigil, which is what they give pilots to keep them awake on long flights–the most horrible thing.
So if antidepressants are not working or making things worse, PLEASE if you are not clear about your diagnosis, get your HUSBAND to come with you and answer the screening questions. Reason: when you are slogging through molasses, and then you have your either euthymic or perhaps hypomanic moments, you yourself may not identify them as such: you just feel better. An inside observer is often able to identify when you feel better, and if there is a cycle. But on Zoloft this will be masked in mush for brains 🙁 But your husband should know what you were like pre-Zoloft.
I’m 100% on my bipolar diagnosis. The antidepressant was added atop a mood stabiliser to control my depression back in 2013, and was working quite well until I chose to have another kiddo. It’s been a bit of a mess since then. That’s probably mainly due to the fact that my GP won’t give me extended release Seroquel — the problems started mainly from there.
I’ve also noted several times that my husband goes with me to all my appointments. I know the importance of back-up. I also keep a daily mood diary atop two daily blogs, and am well aware of the problems some people have with rapid cycling and antidepressants. This was discussed at the time of issuance, and was agreed to be important to try due to the fact my depression is severe, and my hypomanias are brief and safe (not that I’ve seen one in years). As for rapid cycling, did that before the mood stabiliser, but not so much since.
Oh dear. Somewhere in my archives I have a recorded workshop on uncontrolled bipolar depression.
My own solution is Wellbutrin. I can’t take it anymore because it pops me into high end hypomania, but it’s great for getting out of persistent bipolar funk. Also helps stop smoking if that’s an issue, and is good for stopping weight gain if THAT’S an issue.
Just a thought!
I got nothing for ya. I’m reading what Laura wrote, and I’m on Wellbutrin, and I basically do this ultradian thingamagigy and I can swing back and forth within hours and minutes. But I have a shitty psychiatrist who never does nothing so for three years I’ve sorta just wafted through the emotions hoping the depression never gets so bad that a quick trip over the bridge would be more manageable than my feelings of doom. I’m so sorry you can’t shake it, and I so feel for you, having to keep that brave face for the fam. You’re certainly well versed in your diagnosis.
I totally had that ultradian crap without meds… horrible, horrible shit. Having severe depression alone, as horrible as it is, is a vast improvement (though obvs, I hope we get the meds right soon ’cause damn I am sick of this).
I definitely do my best to stay educated about my flavour of bipolar, and I’m lucky that the team I see do a lot of research and publishing; the head of the team actually co-authored a paper about the under-diagnosis of Bipolar II at our hospital, and how going back over cases showed that people fit Bipolar II better and were better served for having that as their diagnosis. As Bipolar II isn’t currently in the ICD as its own category of diagnosis, it’s really helpful that Dr. Z knows his stuff. As for my main person on his team, Dr. K, she is passionate about making sure I am alright and working with me. She also is incredibly happy to take articles and bits of research that I find that I think are interesting or relevant, which says a lot about her willingness to assess individual cases. But yeah, wish that translated into magical depression-be-gone… rude depression, hrmph.
Raeyn, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know it wont make you feel better, but I hope it passes soon. {{{hugs}}}
Thank you for the kind wishes. Fingers crossed, eh? *hugs back*