I’m sitting here being Annoyed as Fuck™® because I am anxious and it’s making me slightly depressed and they’re feeding each other back and forth. I’m sooooo not impressed. Like, getting the Seroquel sorted means that I’m sleeping well, am starting to get to sleep properly; the change from normal release to extended release takes a bit, with a loving dose of melatonin to boot. I am on the whole feeling more stable and have managed to not murder my kiddos here in the two week Easter holiday (one down, one to go), but still… that anxiety, that depression. I’m hoping that when I’m in next week that we can opt to up the antidepressant and see if that makes a difference.

Really though, I wish the ADHD diagnosis referral would come through. Besides the focus that being medicated would give me, I am led to believe it is super-helpful for anxiety. As it’s been 17 years since I had very very part-time access to ADHD meds compliments of a friend, I never really evaluated it for anxiety help. I was just grateful because the days he’d let me have his meds meant that I was actually able to stay awake through the first period of the day instead of looking like I didn’t give a shit about my classes. Really, the whole deal makes me wish that I was a shadier person with less concept of consequences because if I were, I’d be sorely tempted to go grey market to try and get *something* to help in that regard.

But Therapy! Mindfulness!

But what. My BFFFFF says I can outlogic Spock, and I can. If there is a logical reason for me feeling anxious or depressed, I am on it like stink on shit. Unfortunately, 99% of the time it just springs out of nowhere to make my life hell. It’s a big part of why I accept that my brain’s wiring is shot and that medication can make the difference in my life — because it has. I’ll rely on it as long as I humanly can and feel no shame for it.Which isn’t to say anyone is failing if they desire to come off of meds, or therapy helps them — I’m glad there are options out there for people, and am hoping that people in general are rocking the option that gives them the best quality of life.

As it were, my only concern as far as medication is concerned right now is being taken off of something and being put on something else. I worry about losing potential efficacy by hopping around… not that I’ve had hopping yet, just combining things here and there. I don’t even know who I am seeing this time around since Dr. K is going, and what their spin on it is going to be (if they don’t think I’m manic because they don’t understand that Americans talk quickly).

Oh okay, maybe I’m a teensy bit anxious about that, but that’s not actually going to hit me until like, we’re on the way. It’s not like I can do anything about it beforehand, yanno? See, there’s that logic peeping its head up. 🙂

Anyhoos, better out than in, and now it’s out. Hope this finds all of y’all as well as you can be.

<3