I’ve been feeling both up and down lately. I don’t think it’s a mixed episode, though yanno, any feeling of elation is going to make me suspicious… thanks brain, you’re a douche. I mean, it makes sense though. Death is not an easy shadow to shake off, even for someone who takes it on the chin like I do. I’m both over it and still hurting… grief isn’t a straight line, and I think we all agree that those two states can co-exist. At least I’ve done my little bit to permanently remember Ulla and Wendy on the network… it’s not much, but it’s something.
I think the main thing that’s eating me is that my anxiety has been on the up and up lately. I’ve been really freaking proud that I’ve been able to operate in silence the last couple of months. I’m back to a point where I need the radio or the television on for background noise or else I start to panic. Does that make sense to anyone else, or is it just me? I don’t think it’s a bipolar thing — I’m pretty sure it’s an ADHD thing. But it’s still there and it sucks. The only thing I can think of that is feeding anxiety specifically is that the little one has a check-up next week. And there is 500% no reason to be anxious about that. It’s a developmental check. We’ve done it before with her big sister. It’s even ‘easier’ this time because Littlerbit is really on the ball with a lot of her skills. The ones she’s not so hot on, we’re not worried about. But every time I think about the appointment, my heart clenches and my breath shortens. Stupid, isn’t it. Having said that, that’s sort of my generic reply to All Appointments Medical™®.
Still, it makes me worry that my meds are starting to not work right. I’m pretty sure that they are actually fine, but how much is denial, and how much is natural feelings. I’m still not to a point where I am bone weary having to weigh up each of my emotions and feelings to try and figure out if it’s bipolar or natural, seeing how my bipolar life is only ‘officially’ four and half years old. Well. It’s actually more like 20 years old, but anyways. As the bulk of being healthy~ is a fraction of the unwell time, I’m still willing to make the effort to monitor. I’m sure it’s going to get old in a few more years. For now though, I guess I can hope that things continue to work as well as they have been and probably still are. Breathe in, breathe out.
Really though, things are fine. Honest. 🙂
[[radio edit]] This is apparently my 1,000th post on the blog. I am very pleased by this!
I relate to so much of this post….
I have to race off to go call my doctor (it’s for a new knee injury, ugh. But at least it’s not for my brain! 😉
Before I do that, I wanted to share that I’ve been listening to this rather New Agey-sounding “focus” music on YouTube:
It’s freaky for me to have silence in the background. I can do it, and you should be extremely proud that you’ve done it for months…wow! I prefer to have something like this on that supposedly helps w/focus, LOL. (You probably know about this stuff, but just in case I wanted to post it.)
I’m so glad you’re doing fine! :))))))))
I will have to check that out, thanks! Often I just park it on Vintage TV (music videos), or Kerrang (also music videos). I’ve got a couple of radio stations saved in my Winamp as well. I feel slightly better when I do those options, since the other one is zoning out and letting the toddler watch CBeebies all day (to my chagrin, but I think all parents give into that sometimes).
Boo to knee pain — hope the doc sorts it out!
I said to my pdoc one day, “I’m depressed, but I can’t tell if it’s chronic depression or a depressive state that most people experience.” He replied, “Ah, that is the important question.” and then changed the subject. That was so helpful. LOL
Good to read that things are fine. Always good to see you post.
Hah, that is totally unhelpful. But then, what can they do until they develop individual testing. Man, to have like, Star Trek scanning stuff, am I right? 🙂
Hi Raeyn, I’ve been making posts all morning and they seem to vanish. Did you receive my post earlier?
Hi Bradley! I don’t know why, but you were going into spam. That’s fixed now. <3
Raeyn, I’ve been commenting on posts all morning and they seem to immediately disappear. Did you receive my earlier comment?
I’ve been going through so much myself…I can relate. It’s hard to stay stable when life hands you a roller coaster ride…but I think it’s possible. Thanks for writing ❤️❤️❤️
Don’t discount season change as a factor in our meds’ efficacy, as well as our anxiety levels. I know mine are fine tuned to that sort of thing so I’m not sure if my meds are konking out or if my chemicals are just wonkier due to the season change.
*nods* I am generally a lot happier in the cooler months, so on the whole I’d say that this summer didn’t manage to pummel me overmuch. *shakes fist at country that doesn’t have a/c by default*